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19 September 2010

10 Ways To Be A Drive-Thru Stupid

1. The original design intent of the now popular drive-thru was to expedite the process in which you obtain desired consumable products. But fuck that shit. Place several multi-item orders on separate bills. Nothing screams "CUNT" like sitting at the window for 19 minutes making the guy behind you that just wants a single coffee late for work.

2. Your time is more important than everyone else's, but sometimes we forget that. Please excuse our forgetfulness and remind us by honking at the speaker. We are honored that you, the world's leading specialist in something probably amazing, would stop for a coffee on the way to perform some sort of magical rocket surgery and apologize if service takes more than 10 microseconds. Honking your horn informs the drivers in front of you to hurry up. Hey Doc, can you take a look at my bleeding ear drum when you get to the window?

3. To help us help you, start screaming "HELLO" before you have even approached the speaker. No one will know you are a cunt unless the first thing they hear is "*ding* -ELLLOO?!!!"

4. It is scientific fact that music in the workplace increases productivity. Unfortunately, I don't have a radio, but luckily, you do! Please play it at high volumes, at all times.

5. Drive a diesel truck.

6. Order things you don't (DO NOT) want. For example, "Large coffee, cream, no sugar." Saying "no sugar" should help me understand that you don't want it, except you refuse to take the cock out of your mouth when ordering, so the jumbled abortion of words dripping out of your mouth sounds like "lharrge kaufey cream'n'suger." Asking for things you don't want is a great way to get what you want. When I go to the movies, instead of asking for a ticket to the movie I want to see, I list all the movies I don't want to see. It is faster that way and guarantees order accuracy.

7. If you are the passenger in the vehicle, you should place the order. Sure you may trust the driver with your lives and safety, but you'll be fucked in the mouth by a walrus before you let them fuck up your order. They can operate a 2000-pound mass of steel and inertia, but their minds surely cannot remember your specific drink preferences.

8. Confirm at least eight times the contents of your order. "Now you are SURE this is a black coffee no sugar no cream double-cupped extra lid?" We sometimes forget that you are the personal assistant to a visiting emissary who will kill your entire family and mutilate their corpses if you do not meet his satisfaction.

9. Double-cup everything. Hate trees? Me too. Fuck them by ordering more paper products. Ordering a single coffee? Why not get a take-out tray? Our children will inherit the Earth from us, make sure they don't have an environment. The side of the road looks great adorned with the husks of your daily habit. Throwing your empty double cup out of the window of your hybrid car is an irony greater than your existence.

10. Be a smoker and smoke constantly. I love cigarette smoke, except due to some arbitrary Draconian law I am not allowed to smoke inside/during work. Handing me money/receiving items with a lit cigarette in your hand gives me that quick stay-cation in flavor country and the nicotine fix I require to get through the day.

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