Woman Dives At Wedding In Niagara Falls

For one woman at a wedding in Niagara Falls, Canada this weekend, she went from being so close to holding that hopeful bouquet to winding up on the floor, flowerless.

The tossing of the bouquet is a wedding tradition that gets many love-lorn singles out on the dreaded dance floor in hopes of being the next to walk down the aisle.

Unfortunately for the seemingly accident prone guest, Wedding videographer Dave Tebbutt was on hand, recording the whole incident.



'There was probably so much anticipation that it looked like one girl dove for it,' he said.

'Looking back at the video, she tripped, and I wish I had another angle because apparently she smacked her head pretty hard!



One of the woman standing toward the side goes for the bouquet and accidentally trips over her feet halfway through.
'I think she was a little embarrassed she played it off pretty well,' Mr Tebbutt said.



After seeing that the woman was not injured, he immediately asked her if it was okay for him to post the 'epic' video online and she agreed instantly.
'There were a lot people at the bar so not everyone saw it, but all of the people that were watching had a good laugh,' he said.

Tags: Embarrassing Moment, Bride's Bouquet, Niagara Falls, Toss Fail, Wedding Tradition, Hilarious Moments, Dance Floor, Funny Accident, Wedding Photographer, Wedding cake, Bride Groom
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50 Funny Stupid Things People Do

1. Brush their teeth before eating.
2. Put on their shirts backwards.
3. Use sayings like, "Pain is impermanent; pride is eternally!" in usual conversation.
4. Put on a belt something like on their head.
5. Have a Burt Reynolds movie marathon.
6. Make a temple committed to digital clocks.
7. Watch a clock keep time for fun.
8. Climb a glass wall to see what's on the other side.
9. Get turned into a dog.
10. Name their inanimate objects.
11. Use an inflatable dart board.
12. Use people's heads as musical instruments.
13. Charge others like a bull.
14. Use a solar-powered flashlight.
15. Groove to Kenny G's tunes.
16. Watch talk shows.
17. Stare at cheese for extended periods of time.
18. Give complete strangers high 5's.
19. Have dreams in which you are 300 pounds.
20. Have a crush on a gay guy (when you're a girl).
21. Dance a jig for fun.
22. Read a book by or about Tara Lipinski.
23. Flush live fish down the toilet.
24. Cheat in the hard core sports played in gym class.
25. Eat shaving cream.
26. Wear only Nike things.
27. Quack like a duck in class.
28. Carry duct tape around in your back pocket.
29. Wash a dog with motor oil.
30. Wear a paper clip retainer.
31. Hold up a store with a stapler.
32. Wear a school gym suit outside of school.
33. Work at Jewel and enjoy it.
34. Use paper chains as wedding decorations.
35. Try to fly by jumping off the roof and flapping arms.
36. Dress up like Garfield and pretend to be a cat.
37. Swim in man-eating shark infested waters.
38. Try to audition to be a dino in The Lost World.
39. Dye their hair brown so they are no longer blonde.
40. Have a party to celebrate animal classification.
41. Go to UCLA (University Closest to Larkin Avenue --- inside joke).
42. Steal something, then walk in the store you stole it from.
43. Steal a 2 liter bottle of soda by shoving it in your pants.
44. Become a school janitor.
45. Wear only one white glove.
46. Have an overhead in their room.
47. Open umbrella in the house because the indoor sprinklers might go off (when there aren't any).
48. Say crap too much.
49. Take everything too literally (example: how's it hanging).
50. Listen to Kenny G.

Tags: Top 50, Dumb Things, Stupid Interesting, Hilarious Jokes, Funny People, Stupid Things, Stupid Thoughts, Weird Humor
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Interesting And Brain Tickling Brainteasers

Brainteasers that are quick and each have a creative answer. How many can you get?
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

13. Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?

14. What has four legs but only one foot?

15. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?

16. Kindly old Grandfather Lunn
Is twice as old as his son
Twenty-five years ago
Their age ratio
Strange enough was three to one
When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?

17. Said a certain young lady named Gwen
Of her tally of smitten young men
"one less and three more
Divided by four
Together give one more than ten"
How many boyfriends had she?

18. There was a young fellow named Clive
Whose bees number ten power five
The daughters to each son
Were as nineteen to one,
A truly remarkable hive.
How many sons (drones) were in the hive?

19. A team's opening batter named Nero
Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
After subtracting his score
He took off ten and two more
And the final result was a "zero".
How many hits did Nero make:

20. Some freshman from Trinity Hall
Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
Two times its weight
Plus weight squared, minus eight,
Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
What was the weight of the ball?

21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?

22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said. "Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost... five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents, 250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents. One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75 cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and silver." What was the manager selling?
23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig half a hole?

24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place?

The Answers


1. Incorrectly.

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.

6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...

9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

12. The temperature.

13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based on the system we use to number the years, the years counted down in B.C. (but they weren't counting backwards back then).

14. A bed.

15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.

16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.

17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11. 11-1=10.

18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out (it was a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000 (daughters:sons).

19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of hits and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.

20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8. 8-8=0.

21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22, 15 (horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet) + 60 (horse's feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses) = 26 (total heads).

22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.

23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole, or you don't.

24. The letter E.

Tags: Interesting Questions, Adults Brainteasers, Creative Answers, English Language, Stupid Funny, Hilarious Facts, Tongue Twisters, Quick Brainteasers, iQ test, General Knowledge, Questions Answers

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Funny Stupid And Interesting Tongue Twisters

1.You've no need to light a night-light
On a light night like tonight,
For a night-light's light's a slight light,
And tonight's a night that's light.

2.Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

3.She stood on the balcony inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him home.

Tags: Stupid Funny, Cool Interesting, Tongue Twisters, Tongue Exercise, Welcome Home, Hilarious, Idiot Test

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Which Day Is A Thanksgiving Day ?

Does anybody know “When is Thanksgiving?”
So today in homework of this grand stuff your face with turkey and watch and count your blessings with family and friends holiday that is just a few weeks away, let me answer your questions about when is Thanksgiving?

Some people, think Thanksgiving is on 22nd of others think it may be the 24th – the 26th? Isn’t Thanksgiving on the 23rd? Some are getting closer by rationalizing that Thanksgiving comes on a certain week in November.

So let me reveal this great secrecy to all of you, the Answer to “When is Thanksgiving?”

It is on the 4th Thursday of every November, year after year.

It doesn’t matter if its the 22nd, or the 23rd, or the 24th or the 25th…every year, without exception since 1941 when Congress ruled that Thanksgiving would be held on the 4th Thursday of every November, it has been the 4th Thursday of EVERY November.

So now you all know when Thanksgiving is and can properly prepare for such a wonderful turkey eating stuffing mashed potato love my mom’s cooking kind of day..You definitely need to check out these Thanksgiving hats and order yours just in time.

Tags: Thanksgiving Day, Cooking Turkey, 4th Thursday, November Month, Turkey Recipes, Stupid Questions, Funny Facts

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American English Is Practically A Different Language!

Hey friends here are some of the funny but real U.K ENGLISH To AMERICAN ENGLISH Translations...

A
Advert- Commerical
Autumn- Fall

B
Boot (of car)- Trunk
Biscuit- Cookie
Box- Booth
Barrister- Attorney
Bin- Trash Can
Bungalow- Single storey house
Bum bag- fanny pack
Bar maid/man- Bartender

C
Chips- fries
Crisps- potato chips
Caravan- Trailer
Cupboard- closet
Candy floss- cotton candy
Canteen- Cafeteria
Crumpet- English Muffin
Chemist- Drugstore
Car Park- parking lot

D
Dummy- Pacifier
Double yellow lines- no parking zone
Dressing gown- robe
Dinner jacket- tuxedo

E

F
Fag- cigarette
Football- Soccer
Fire brigade- fire department
Father Christmas- Santa Claus
Flat- apartment
Flat mate- room mate
Film- Movie

G
Gay- fag

H
Holiday- Vacation

I
Insect- Bug


J
Jelly- Jello
Jam- jelly
Jumper- Sweater

K
Knickers- Panties

L
Lift- Elevator
Lead- Leash
Lorry- Truck/semi
Loft- Attic M
Mobile- Cell phone
Maths- Math
Mum- mom
Motorawy- freeway

N
Napies- Dipers
Number plate- licence plate

O
Off Licence- liquor store
Operation- Surgery

P
Pudding- dessert
Pop- soda
Public school- Private school
Pram- stroller
Post Mortem- autopsy
Plaster- band aid
Petrol- gas
Postcode- zipcode
Pavement- sidewalk
Programme- tv show

Q
Queue- stand in line

R
Rubbish- Trash
Roundabout- Rotories

S
Sweets- Candy
Sofa- couch
Shop- store
Shopping trolley- shopping cart
Skip- dumpster
sledge- sled
Swimming costume- Bathing suit
Starter- Appetizer
Stone (weight)- 14 Pounds

T
Trainers- Sneakers
Tights- Pantyhose
Tea- Dinner
Take away- (meal) to go
Tin- can
Tomato Sauce- Ketchup
Toilet- john
Toilet- Bathroom
Tart (person)- A flirt
Trousers- Pants
Tube- Subway
Table Football- Fusball

U
Underground- Subway
University- college
Up the duff- Pregnant

V-W
Video- VCR
Wine gums- English gums
Windscreen- Windshield

X-Y-Z
Year (school)- Grade

Tags: American English, Stupid People, Hilarious, U.K English, Translations, Funny Facts

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Gumby Costumed Guy Tries To Rob Store

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – In the world of animated TV, it's no stretch to say that good-natured Gumby is far down the list of characters that would commit armed robbery.
But a man clad in a full-figured Gumby costume has made a botched attempt to rob a 7-Eleven store in California, and authorities are looking for the suspect, police said on Wednesday.
It happened early on Monday when the man came into the San Diego store dressed as the green claymation figure, accompanied by an ordinarily dressed accomplice, San Diego Police spokesman Detective Gary Hassen said.
The costumed man announced he was robbing the store, but the clerk thought it was a joke, police said.
"Gumby said, 'You don't think it's a robbery? Let me show you my gun,'" Hassen said.
The suspect then tried to reach into his Gumby outfit but experienced a "costume malfunction" and could not fit his hand in a pocket, he said.
Instead of a gun, the costumed suspect pulled out 26 cents in change which he dropped on the floor, police said.
The accomplice, who had left the store and gotten into a minivan, honked at the man dressed as Gumby. He, too, walked out of the store without managing to take any money, police said. Both men left in the minivan.
After their getaway, the store clerk was still not certain an attempted robbery had occurred and did not call police. The store manager, who arrived later that morning, reported the incident.
Police were treating the episode, which was captured on surveillance video, as an attempted robbery and not a prank, Hassen said.
Gumby, a green humanoid figure who looks like an elastic stick of gum with limbs, was created in the 1950s by the late Art Clokey and his wife, Ruth. Gumby had a sidekick, the talking orange horse Pokey.

Tags: Costumed Characters, Los Angeles, Gumby Cartoon, Gumby Costume, 7-Eleven Store, Store Robbery, Stupid News, Funny Things

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New Jersey - Hair Found In Cop's Sandwich

EVESHAM, N.J. A former cook at a New Jersey restaurant is getting 15 days in jail for adding an unwelcome ingredient to a police officer's bagel sandwich.
Twenty-seven-year-old Ryan Burke admitted putting his own pubic and chest hairs in the sandwich in February 2010. He pleaded guilty to aggravated assault on a law enforcement officer and retaliation for a past official action.
The Courier-Post of Cherry Hill reports a judge sentenced Burke last week to 15 days in prison, to be served on weekends. He's also ordered to serve two years of probation.
Authorities say the Evesham police officer had previously stopped Burke for a traffic violation.

Tags: New Jersey, Chest Hair, Cop, Bagel Sandwich, New Jersey Police, Restaurant, Jailed, Stupid News, News4jax

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WWE Superstar Brock Lesnar Humiliated In UFC Boxing Match

When Cain Velasquez pummeled and humiliated Brock Lesnar at UFC 121 last Saturday, he also unintentionally notched a huge point in favor of boxing in the ongoing virtual war between MMA and boxing.

It was an easy fight to view and analyze, even for a relative stranger to the sport of MMA and to the UFC brand.

Lesnar came out fast and hard, trying to use his size, brute strength, and wrestling expertise to get Velasquez on his back and under the full weight of his massive frame.

When his opponent blocked the take downs and the actual fighting started, Lesnar was clueless.

The California native, Velasquez, pounded a panicked and exhausted Lesnar into a bloody mess and forced the referee to call an end to the fight with just under fifty seconds left in the first round.

More salient, informed points have already been made by Ryan Kennedy of Fight Hype, but what we learned from this fight, as it pertains to boxing, is that a quality boxer would really just need one skill, the ability to block a take down, in order to handle the best of the MMA crop. However, the MMA-fighter, in most instances, would need to learn an entire discipline in order to hang with boxing’s best.

Throw out the freak show of Randy Couture vs. James Toney, as it was genetically-engineered by Dana White to make boxing look bad, Velasquez-Lesnar showed us the difference between fighting and combat. When forced to dig deep down inside and come back, the UFC’s “Baddest Man on the Planet” had nothing.

Aside from the obvious and well-traveled boxer vs. MMA fighter debate, the Lesnar beating also may have further exposed some of the negative aspects of the UFC juggernaut.

The architects of the UFC brand did their best to construct a sport that would shy away from all of boxing’s perceived flaws. They wanted a fast-paced whirlwind of battle to hold the interest of even casual fans. But in turning a marathon into a 100 yard dash, they also ensured that the fans would be pretty much shielded from ever seeing the heart and soul of the fighter.

UFC fans simply don’t know what kind of warrior spirit most of their favorites have because the sport has been structured away from the long, grueling wars that have defined boxing over the last century or so. It’s easy for a skilled athlete to be tough for a couple of minutes at a time; The real test begins after exhaustion has set in and the fighter can no longer rely on pure athleticism.

It’s a sure thing that there are UFC stars just as mentally tough as Arturo Gatti or Jake LaMotta, but the fans will never be allowed to see that side of their MMA stars. The UFC bouts are designed to be short and quick, appealing to the diminishing attention span of the American public.

As a result, the fans have no idea whether a “Baddest Man on the Planet” is simply a tough-looking poser or a true warrior. In boxing, the truth always comes out and pretenders are well-exposed long before reaching superstar status.

This also points to the fact that, honestly, much of the motor power of the UFC machine is really nothing more than good, old-fashioned marketing. Cain Velasquez exposed that fact by easily peeling back the veneer of the Brock Lesnar hype machine.

The fact of the matter was that Dana White and the UFC were selling Brock Lesnar as a superstar before he had ever proven himself as a fighter. Even despite a loss in his UFC debut, Lesnar was heavily marketed and promoted right into a title victory two fights later.

Despite boxing’s problems (and there are many), we’d never see US Olympic Medalist, Deontay Wilder get to a world title without first earning his way to the top. And even if he did somehow get that shortcut to the top, you could expect him to be easily battered senseless by fighters who are actually battle-hardened veterans.

In the UFC, an untested and undeserving Brock Lesnar not only became a superstar world champ, but the figurehead of the entire company. He rolled through two defenses before finding someone who could nullify the one thing he could actually do well and he simply lacked the ability or desire to dig deep down inside when the blood started to flow.

This begs the question of whether Brock Lesnar’s rise to the top was a product of an embarrassingly shallow talent pool in the UFC roster or the overriding genius of Dana White to market an inferior product to the masses. Maybe it’s both.

Tags: Brock Lesnar, Cain Velasquez, Humiliation, Weird Stories, Strange Facts, WWE Superstar, UFC, MMA Boxing

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13 Hilarious Answers Given By Yahoo ! Answers

Tags: Hilarious Articles, Funny Answers, Yahoo Answers, Stupid Questions, Top 13

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Real Stupid People And Funny Stories

So the bank robber admits he did the crime, but he doesnt need the time to work out what he did was wrong. He already knows that. So, what, a slap on your wrist and be on your way? Doesnt work that way einstein, but nice try.



The Liberty Riders like drinking beer, fighting and peforming charity work for children? So they are bad...but good at the same time? Nice little footnote - is their dispute with the Highwayman deadly?



I think this is one of my favorites. Toyota - Toy Yoda, yes i see where the confusion comes from. Just love the look on the face of the hooters waitress.



How Long is Your Loan? Thats 515 million dollars to be paid back at $300 per month. Thats $3600 per year. I caclulate that to be a loan term (excluding interest) of a little over 143,000 years. Thats a long life of debt.



Chris Mulloy and Robert Cusack - Dumb and Dumber. I was struggling to believe that this was actually real. So i googled it. Yes, it is true. Mulloy and Cusack, modern day idiots. I just would have loved to have been there. A bird flying out of your suitcase? Two pygmy monkeys in your pants? Holy God. That smuggling business cant be much fun at times. Lucrative, yes. Painful, you bet!



Yes, its true. "The owner will not receive any compensation because he had no insurance"

Hard to have a lot of sympathy here is there?




Betty Ford Fail. Sure, Betty Ford is probably a pretty common name. But its not a good look when a person of the same name as the clinic is caught for public drunkeness. Its hard living up to the reputation.

Tags: Funny Stories, Stupid People, Stupid Stories, Hilarious, Funny Articles

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Stupid And Funny Jokes Of The Day

One Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ...

Doctor's Talk

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, ...

Slip Of The Tongue

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! ...

Boats Better Than Women

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women: Boats only need their fluids changed every year. Boats curves never sag. Boats last longer. Boats don't get pregnant. You can ride a Boat any time of the month. ...

Tags: Stupid Stuffs, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Funny Sms

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Stupid Russian People On Russian Streets

Weird people can be met in the Russian street either. Some of them just make you smile but others can even look socially dangerous.

Tags: Stupid Photos, Russian Streets, Russian People, Funny Russian, Weird Pictures, Funny Costumes, Fashion

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The Most Stupidest And Funniest Crimes Of 2009

In July in the city of Gdynia, a 26-year-old man attempted to steal a registration plaque from a car. The thief was so drunk that he failed to realize that not only was it a police car, but that there were also officers inside it.

In April, Warsaw police detained a man who had stolen a toilet roll from a restaurant, breaking a holder worth $120. According to Polish law, the thief could face up to ten years in prison.

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Another stupid crime was committed in Lublin Voivodeship in March. Two young men stole 6,000 zloty (approximately $2,500) from the fund of a housing cooperative. They put the money into a plastic bag, but the bank note packs were so heavy that it ruptured. The criminals threw away the bag filled with money, taking only 300 zlotys. Police quickly tracked down the men as one of them put his home address on the bag.

Finally, a 55-year-old man facing a prison sentence attempted to hide from the authorities. The police were informed that he was living in a trailer in the suburbs of Minsk-Mazovetsky. When the cops turned up they saw a group of men drinking vodka at an improvised “table”, which in fact turned out to be the very man they were looking for.

Tags: Most Stupidest, Funny People, Stupid Facts, Hilarious Stories, Funny Crimes

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Stupid And Funny Joke Of The Day

Some guy bought a new refrigerator for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.

It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:

"Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it!

Tags: Stupid People, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, 50 Dollar

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Hilarious And Stupid Random Jokes Of The Day

Long Marrige

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Bossed Around By Wife

I was tired of being bossed around by my wife so I went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.

I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face, I said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The fucking funeral director," she said.

Hotel Bill

My friend and his wife stayed in a hotel and got a bill for ninety bucks. He screamed, "Ninety dollars?, for what?" The desk clerk said, "For room and board sir." My friend said, "Room and board? We didn't eat here." The clerk said, "It was here for you. If you didn't get it, it's your fault." My friend said, "You take forty dollars. I'm charging you fifty dollars for fooling around with my wife." The clerk said, "I never touched your wife!" My friend said, "It was there for you."

Modern Pregnancy Dilemmas

An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "Then I reckon you'll just have to sleep with her again!"

Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

Tags: Hilarious Jokes, Stupid People, Funny Jokes, Random Jokes, Humorous Jokes, Joke Of The Day

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10 Ways To Be A Drive-Thru Stupid

1. The original design intent of the now popular drive-thru was to expedite the process in which you obtain desired consumable products. But fuck that shit. Place several multi-item orders on separate bills. Nothing screams "CUNT" like sitting at the window for 19 minutes making the guy behind you that just wants a single coffee late for work.

2. Your time is more important than everyone else's, but sometimes we forget that. Please excuse our forgetfulness and remind us by honking at the speaker. We are honored that you, the world's leading specialist in something probably amazing, would stop for a coffee on the way to perform some sort of magical rocket surgery and apologize if service takes more than 10 microseconds. Honking your horn informs the drivers in front of you to hurry up. Hey Doc, can you take a look at my bleeding ear drum when you get to the window?

3. To help us help you, start screaming "HELLO" before you have even approached the speaker. No one will know you are a cunt unless the first thing they hear is "*ding* -ELLLOO?!!!"

4. It is scientific fact that music in the workplace increases productivity. Unfortunately, I don't have a radio, but luckily, you do! Please play it at high volumes, at all times.

5. Drive a diesel truck.

6. Order things you don't (DO NOT) want. For example, "Large coffee, cream, no sugar." Saying "no sugar" should help me understand that you don't want it, except you refuse to take the cock out of your mouth when ordering, so the jumbled abortion of words dripping out of your mouth sounds like "lharrge kaufey cream'n'suger." Asking for things you don't want is a great way to get what you want. When I go to the movies, instead of asking for a ticket to the movie I want to see, I list all the movies I don't want to see. It is faster that way and guarantees order accuracy.

7. If you are the passenger in the vehicle, you should place the order. Sure you may trust the driver with your lives and safety, but you'll be fucked in the mouth by a walrus before you let them fuck up your order. They can operate a 2000-pound mass of steel and inertia, but their minds surely cannot remember your specific drink preferences.

8. Confirm at least eight times the contents of your order. "Now you are SURE this is a black coffee no sugar no cream double-cupped extra lid?" We sometimes forget that you are the personal assistant to a visiting emissary who will kill your entire family and mutilate their corpses if you do not meet his satisfaction.

9. Double-cup everything. Hate trees? Me too. Fuck them by ordering more paper products. Ordering a single coffee? Why not get a take-out tray? Our children will inherit the Earth from us, make sure they don't have an environment. The side of the road looks great adorned with the husks of your daily habit. Throwing your empty double cup out of the window of your hybrid car is an irony greater than your existence.

10. Be a smoker and smoke constantly. I love cigarette smoke, except due to some arbitrary Draconian law I am not allowed to smoke inside/during work. Handing me money/receiving items with a lit cigarette in your hand gives me that quick stay-cation in flavor country and the nicotine fix I require to get through the day.

Tags: Stupid People, Stupid Things, Funny Facts, Drive Thru, Foolishness, Drive Thru Restaurant

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Dirty And Stupid Law Quotes

Law Quotes

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left."

Things that Sound Dirty in Law
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He is one hard judge.
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
4. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good.
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
10. Think you can get me off?

Tags: Law Quotes, Funny Quotes, Stupid Quotes, Dirty Quotes, Funny Jokes, Law Jokes, Amzing Quotes

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11 Hilarious Ads For Jobs

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Tags: Hilarious Jokes, Funny Lines, Jobs Ads, Most Hilarious, Crazy Pictures

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