A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."
Bossed Around By Wife
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife so I went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face, I said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The fucking funeral director," she said.
My friend and his wife stayed in a hotel and got a bill for ninety bucks. He screamed, "Ninety dollars?, for what?" The desk clerk said, "For room and board sir." My friend said, "Room and board? We didn't eat here." The clerk said, "It was here for you. If you didn't get it, it's your fault." My friend said, "You take forty dollars. I'm charging you fifty dollars for fooling around with my wife." The clerk said, "I never touched your wife!" My friend said, "It was there for you."
Modern Pregnancy Dilemmas
An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "Then I reckon you'll just have to sleep with her again!"
Fish and Cat Story
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.